Denied or Denial

When does a life stay still?

I am quietly terrified that I will not finish all the work I must before I leave for China in about two weeks. I have just announced at school the selection of the Common Book--Eboo Patel's Acts of Faith--but the books are still not in yet for distribution. There is a report on the diversity survey that I promised but have not written. I am traveling to Fairfax County, Virginia, this weekend, to see my visiting parents and my sister. The certain duties. The uncertain doubts. I escape into the gym almost every day so as to narrow my thought to the weights I am pressing. A hopeful thing, which brings along its own trepidation, is the daily email I am exchanging with KD who seems to make a great boyfriend. All the time the anxiety of these days is permeated by horniness, so that I want to smash my body against someone, and annihilate myself in an instant of pleasure. Watched a mildly good, mildly bad gay film last night called Denied. (Lee Rhumohr plays a jock in love with his best friend who cannot decide if he likes men or women.) These days feel a lot like being denied, or else like denial.

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