A revision from "Payday Loans"

I've revised a sonnet so much that I'm not sure whether any of my intentions is getting through. The context: gay speaker who is graduating from a Creative Writing MFA and looking for a job. Yeah, he resembles me, two years ago.


I dreamed of you last night, my class voodoo-
practicing, commie, vegan, white dyke said.
I dreamed you were lying stark naked in bed,
stroking the leg without a foot.
Had she confused me with one we both know,
J who graduated last year and treads
heavily on his prosthesis? He’s married
and writing full-time. Publishing his first book.
What does the dream mean? Is it an omen?
A curse? A prayer? My wish-fulfillment vibes?
For I’ve wished, once or twice, to be my friend,
a member of a secret, stoic tribe
that cuts up boys to turn them into men.
And then a woman came in, licking a rib.

Comments

Larry said…
Hi Jee,

I must say that I don't get it: I can't find any of the context you've offered, I don't understand the role of the dyke and can't understand the dream, including its end.

Plus the line "I've wished...to be my friend" is confusing and took me forever to understand who the friend is.

The tribe that cuts up boys sounds interesting but it is not clear to me: if it is an image of the gay community then the married friend is not a good model for it, since nothing is said to make us view him as gay.

Hope this helps. Take care,
Larry
4:37 PM
Jee Leong said…
Hi Larry,
your comments are just what I have suspected. Thanks very much for the help!

Jee Leong
12:55 PM
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